National Infertility Awareness Week

This week is National Infertility Awareness week. Infertility affects 7.3 million people in the U.S. This figure represents 12% of women of childbearing age, or 1 in 8 couples. (2002 National Survey of Family Growth).

We are one of those couples.  And although we don't talk about it much anymore, especially since J has been home, infertility has (obviously) played a large part in how we came to be parents.  I never thought I would say that there would come a day that I would be grateful for all the heartbreak that we went through, but I can not imagine not being mommy to our son.

But as other bloggy friends of mine have written recently, the wound of infertility runs deep and the jealousy and sadness that goes with it can still hit pretty hard at times.  Which I hate.  Who wants to be the "downer" when everyone else is happy??  The dream of creating a child might lessen over time, but it can flare up at any moment.  It never goes away, no matter how happy you are for other people; that dream fades, but stays with you even when you've created a family through adoption.  Each month, even though I know better, a small part of my heart is disappointed.  I would love to experience being pregnant.  I would love to give my husband the gift of creating our child, and our son the gift of a sibling.  The wounds of infertility still run deep and take a long while to heal. 

But these wounds also remind us of our journey, what we have learned along the way, and have made us into the people we are today.  We have been through a lot as a couple and have learned more about each other than some people do who have been together years longer than us.  Because of infertility, we knew we wanted to be parents, and that it was not the "how" but the end result that was the most important thing for us.  

The infertility road is long and difficult, with twists and turns and dead-ends when you least expect them.  It is isolating and lonely because it is not a subject that people discuss openly.  It can, at times, define you and how you feel about yourself.  It can be overwhelming.  And most of the time, "it just plain sucks," as a friend of mine put it.  And if you get to the end of your infertility road and there just aren't any answers, it can leave you feeling frustrated and unsure of who you are.

This week is to achieve awareness for those of us who have gone, or are going through, infertility.  You are NOT alone.  It IS okay to talk about it.  The more I have talked with others, the more I have come to realize that there are so many other people out there who have stories to tell.  They aren't all quite the same, but the healing begins with the telling.  And chances are, if you have not traveled this road yourself, you probably know someone who has.

No title...

So I did not know what to title this post since it is about a few things that have no connection to one another.  Just some cute pictures and video of our little J over the last week.  And speaking of "little", at his 2-year check-up last week, our little peanut weighed in at a whopping (ha!) 23 lbs. 4 oz!!!  He has always been small, starting out at only 4 lbs.  But he continues on a steady growth curve that's all his, so the doctor has no worries...yeah!  And this just means that I can more easily pick him up for a longer period of time.  :)

He got a bubble mower from his Aunt Julie for his birthday and stacked his boots on it last week and was pushing that around.  They actually stayed in place for longer than I thought they would...future engineer on our hands???

Checking out the bell on his new trike that we got him for his birthday.

"Mom, you can stand back here, okay?"

We're starting to learn to share, or take turns, which is the term we use in our house (I've read/heard that "taking turns" is an easier concept than "sharing").  We live on a cul-de-sac, which Chris and I have found is great when you have a toddler who loves to be outside!  This gives J more room to ride his bike and play without us having to worry about traffic as much as if we lived on a busier street.  So we were outside last week and J was riding his trike up and down the sidewalk when friends of ours walked by with their little one who has the same tricycle (they had theirs first and we loved everything about it, so got the same for J).  Their little guy wanted to get J's tractor out, which was fine with us because J was having a great time on his trike.  W-e-l-l-l-l, that did not go over well with our 2-year-old!  As soon as he saw his friend getting the tractor out, that was what he wanted to ride on.  But we told him that it was ____'s turn on it and he would get a turn after ____ was done.  Again, didn't go over well with him.  The head got thrown back, eyes scrunched shut, big crocodile tears leaked out the sides, and all the while a very LOUD sound came out of our darling little peanut's mouth.  Trying to ignore all this without cringing at the thought of "what are the neighbors thinking of us?!", we told him how fun it would be to ride his trike around faster than the tractor could go.  It took a minute or so, but eventually he was zooming around the cul-de-sac on his trike while his friend was being run after by his parents so that he would not ride through our neighbor's flower beds...ahhh, so glad I got a break from that!!  But our peanut did very well taking turns with his tractor and we are so very proud of him for it.

Coloring Easter eggs last Friday

"Are they ready yet?"

Yeah, okay, so everything is yellow to him!

We even got him a yellow camp chair for when we go camping soon!!!!

Just a cute video of J and his Daddy sharing chips.

Parties

So, in honor of his 2nd birthday, we had a second birthday party for J, this one on his birthday and invited some friends from town.  We had about a dozen people come over and, even though we had stated "no gifts", there were of course a few that just couldn't resist bringing something for our sweet boy!  Here's some pictures from the party:

Well, this is the gift from Mommy and Daddy.  We did NOT have a no gift rule for ourselves!!

Blowing out his candles.

(Yes, he is holding an unlit match.  Don't call DCFS...we did not let him light it!!)

L-O-V-I-N-G the fact that his cake had M&M's on it.

And I think he actually enjoyed the ice cream more than the M!

J has finally gotten the hang of riding on his tractor...and I mean riding, literally.  He loves to now press the gas pedal, but the boy has. no. concept. of steering.  I mean, he goes right towards the tree, mailbox, rain gutter, Mommy...you get the picture.  But man, does he love screaming "Hi!" and waving at his Daddy while he's riding it.  Mommy, on the other hand, needs to walk right next to him, by his command, and get dizzy while he rides in circles.  Gotta love it!

This past weekend, Chris and I went to a friend's wedding by ourselves (woohoo!  read: "date").  Wedding was great, she was gorgeous!!  Then we went home, got J ready, and went on to the reception with him in tow.  He had a good time, meeting new people, getting to eat a cupcake, and then dancing with one of the bridesmaids.  Although he seemed to be more into looking around at everyone than getting his groove on.

He stayed up late that night, but was such a good boy the whole time, no tantrums, meltdowns, etc.  And on the way home, I was even able to catch some video of him singing *his* version of the ABC's.  (Sorry about the dark, but if I would have turned on the car light, he probably would have stopped!)

Worms

Digging out in the garden today, Mommy picked up a worm to show J:

J:  "Noo-nle!"

Uh.  No.  Not a noodle.

Birthday letter

Happy birthday Sweetie-pie,

WOW, today you are 2!  What a big boy you are getting to be.  Just last week, Daddy and I were noticing how much longer you are in our arms when we rock you to sleep at night.  We love that time of day with you, when you're settling down to go night-night with your binky and blanket (which has your beloved choo-choo's on it).  I feel your snuggly weight in my arms and remember sitting in your room before you came home, arms empty, wondering how I was going to adjust to being a mommy and how you would adjust to being my son.  I think we're doing pretty well together, little one.  I watch you in awe many, many times every day and wonder what is going through your head.  We have a lot of conversations where I imitate what you say and you end up going into one of your giggle fits and I cannot help but laugh along with you.  What was it that I said to you?  What were we actually talking about?  I look forward to the day when we both know what the joke is.

But I also want to hold that day off.  Because that day also means that you will be that much older and time will have gone that much quicker.  I want to throw my arms out, yell "stop!", and make time stand still, because I have waited for these moments with every fiber of my being for so long and now they are just zooming past us without regards to our feelings.  I want to remember every single word and giggle from your cute little mouth, every time you run to me with your arms spread wide and a grin on your face, every time you touch my face and stroke my hair as I rock you to sleep.  I want a running video of our life together so that I can just hit the replay button in the years to come.  Sometimes I just want to wrap you up in my arms, hit the pause button, and hold on so tight that you can't grow up.

But you are growing up, right before our eyes.  You have been with us for 10 1/2 months and they have been wonderful, amazing months.  I think back on those months and it feels like you have always been with us.  (But I also remember wondering a year ago if we were ever going to get the call to go get you!) Today, on your birthday, with you home at last, I also think about another woman who lives halfway around the world, who cared for you for nine months while carrying you close to her heart, who had the opportunity to meet you two years ago today, and who made an adoption plan for you.  That lady, your birthmother, gave us the amazing blessing of you.  My heart aches for her especially on this special day because our happiness with you came at the expense of hers; but selfishly, I am glad that YOU were meant to be OUR son.  There are no words I can find that could sufficiently express our thanks and gratitude to her for the gift of you.  She has given us the opportunity to watch you grow up, to guide you on life's journey, and to give you all the love we have saved up just for you.  You and I have read "Motherbridge of Love" a lot recently and this book beautifully sums up the importance of both me and your birthmother in your life:

Once there were two women who never knew each other.

One you do not know.  The other you call Mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.

One became your guiding star; the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life; the second taught you to live it.

The first gave you a need for love; the second was there to give it.

One gave you a body, the other taught you games.

One gave you a talent.  The other taught you aims.

One gave you emotions; the other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile; the other dried your tears.

One found a home for you that she could not provide.

The other prayed for a child; her hope was not denied.

And now you ask, of course you do, The question others ask me too:

This place or your birth place -- which are you a [son] of?

Both of them, my darling -- and two different kinds of love.

                                                - Anonymous

And no one can ever have too much love, my sweet boy!!

I cannot imagine you any older than you are right now and I want to hold on tight to our time together at this very moment.  But I cannot wait to see what the future has in store for you.  You are so bright and funny; there are so many things that you can do and be.  I will be there to help you, cheer you on, and let you go your own path when it's time.  But remember, you will always be my little boy and I'll always be here with my arms spread wide for you to run to.

I love you, forever and ever and always.

Love,
Mommy

Wordless Wednesday - Our Gotcha Day/ The Day I Became a Mommy

New Friends

J and I spent the morning at an indoor playground in town with some new friends that we have met through the adoption community.  We have all adopted Korean children in the last three years and set up a time to meet and get acquainted.  We are hoping to get more families together at our next event, but the five of us that were there today had a great time getting to know each other and a little background of our new friends.

Trying to get a picture of the four of them together...not so easy with one- and two-year-olds.

Here is the best picture I got of them and I think it is really pretty good!  Most of them are looking at the camera, at least!!

First time meeting A and L, who both came home 5 weeks ago...what cuties!!

Lunchtime

They're making a break for it!  

Right after this picture, J almost got hold of the fire alarm near these doors...yikes!!  

How do you explain that to the fireman??!!  

We all had a great time.  Looking forward to getting to know our new friends better!!

Grandparent updates

Here are some pictures and video especially for the grandparents.  Grandma T, for ONE day he actually used the pedal on the tractor, but not since.  Now we're back to "no, no!"  But he l.o.v.e.s the key that turns in the ignition and the buttons on it for the horn and blinkers.  He plays with those so much, I think I'm going to start hearing them in my dreams!

Morning time with mommy from the weekend.

Reading a new "choo-choo tain" book with Grandpa K.

Well, where else would YOU put a fun train sticker?!?!

Baptism

Last Saturday, exactly 18 months after receiving his referral, we made the trip to northern Illinois to Chris' hometown, in order to have little J baptized.  Much of the family was able to come and share the day with us and since it was so close to J's birthday, we also snuck in an early birthday party combined with the baptism celebration.  The boy was. in. heaven. We had the baptism after the 5pm Mass that day, which normally only takes an hour, but that day we were de-light-ed to have a mission priest visit and say the Mass (read: sarcasm).  I know that is awful to say, but it was quite a day to have that kind of luck because, well, the homily was over 30 minutes long!!  You read that right.  3-0 minutes.  Half an hour.  And our little guy was a little angel throughout.  It probably didn't hurt that he had only taken a 45 minute nap that morning, so when we gave him his binky at the beginning of Mass, he was content to pretty much just chill out in our arms the whole time.  (But did he go to sleep?...nooo, he was determined to stay awake.)  I'm going to brag though, because we had strangers come up to us after Mass and tell us just how good he had been during Mass.  He actually acted better than some of the adults that were there when the homily starting turning into a marathon!

So anyway, after Mass, the family went up to the front of the church and J was baptized.  Chris' brother and sister-in-law are his godparents and the whole ceremony was amazing!  Every time Fr. Mike talked to J, he actually talked to him, as though they were having a conversation.  And J would stare at Fr. Mike, just like he understood every single word he was being told.  It was really very touching.  When it came time for the actual baptism, Chris and I were both thinking that J was not going to do well, considering he doesn't like to lay on his back in the tub and have water poured over his head (I found that out the hard way.  Tried it once.  Never again.)  But our child let his Daddy hold him over the baptismal font with his parents and godparents all touching him, one finger in his mouth, and allowed the priest to pour water over his head three times without letting out so much as a peep of displeasure.  (We thankfully have that on video, but for privacy purposes since the priest said his entire name, I am not going to post it here.)  I am very glad that my sister got that on video.  I just wish we had the priest's final blessing over our family of three on video too!  Now I'm just being greedy, huh?

A few pictures of the baptism and after:

Watching Fr. Mike 

Couldn't have asked for a more perfect picture!

J and his godparents

We then went back to Chris' brother's house (where some people had been waiting for us for an hour!) and had the double celebration with family and friends.  Thanks to my MIL's friend who catered the event; she did an amazing job!!!

The cupcake tower.  And those little blue and brown boxes had J's absolute favorite candy inside them: M&M's.  We didn't let him know that until much later or else he probably would have tried to get all of them out of the tower!

He loved being the center of attention when we were singing "Happy Birthday."

And he blew both candles out on the first try all by himself.

 Can you have any more adorable cuteness in one photo?!?!

The tractor Grandma and Grandpa T got him for his birthday.

He would not allow anyone to touch the gas pedal to make it go, but he is now warming up to it just a little bit.  He'll be racing around in the thing before the summer's over, I just know it!

Everyone was dog tired the following day after a late night.

(I swear, we didn't pose her!)

He was out like a light not two minutes after we left town on Sunday.  Worn out from all the fun times!

We had a great time seeing family and celebrating last weekend and cannot thank his godparents enough for being willing to be such a central part of his life.  You are strong, amazing people and J is fortunate to have you as his aunt and uncle!  Love you guys!!