WOW, today you are 2! What a big boy you are getting to be. Just last week, Daddy and I were noticing how much longer you are in our arms when we rock you to sleep at night. We love that time of day with you, when you're settling down to go night-night with your binky and blanket (which has your beloved choo-choo's on it). I feel your snuggly weight in my arms and remember sitting in your room before you came home, arms empty, wondering how I was going to adjust to being a mommy and how you would adjust to being my son. I think we're doing pretty well together, little one. I watch you in awe many, many times every day and wonder what is going through your head. We have a lot of conversations where I imitate what you say and you end up going into one of your giggle fits and I cannot help but laugh along with you. What was it that I said to you? What were we actually talking about? I look forward to the day when we both know what the joke is.
But I also want to hold that day off. Because that day also means that you will be that much older and time will have gone that much quicker. I want to throw my arms out, yell "stop!", and make time stand still, because I have waited for these moments with every fiber of my being for so long and now they are just zooming past us without regards to our feelings. I want to remember every single word and giggle from your cute little mouth, every time you run to me with your arms spread wide and a grin on your face, every time you touch my face and stroke my hair as I rock you to sleep. I want a running video of our life together so that I can just hit the replay button in the years to come. Sometimes I just want to wrap you up in my arms, hit the pause button, and hold on so tight that you can't grow up.
But you are growing up, right before our eyes. You have been with us for 10 1/2 months and they have been wonderful, amazing months. I think back on those months and it feels like you have always been with us. (But I also remember wondering a year ago if we were ever going to get the call to go get you!) Today, on your birthday, with you home at last, I also think about another woman who lives halfway around the world, who cared for you for nine months while carrying you close to her heart, who had the opportunity to meet you two years ago today, and who made an adoption plan for you. That lady, your birthmother, gave us the amazing blessing of you. My heart aches for her especially on this special day because our happiness with you came at the expense of hers; but selfishly, I am glad that YOU were meant to be OUR son. There are no words I can find that could sufficiently express our thanks and gratitude to her for the gift of you. She has given us the opportunity to watch you grow up, to guide you on life's journey, and to give you all the love we have saved up just for you. You and I have read "Motherbridge of Love" a lot recently and this book beautifully sums up the importance of both me and your birthmother in your life:
Once there were two women who never knew each other.
One you do not know. The other you call Mother.
Two different lives shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star; the other became your sun.
The first one gave you life; the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love; the second was there to give it.
One gave you a body, the other taught you games.
One gave you a talent. The other taught you aims.
One gave you emotions; the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile; the other dried your tears.
One found a home for you that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child; her hope was not denied.
And now you ask, of course you do, The question others ask me too:
This place or your birth place -- which are you a [son] of?
Both of them, my darling -- and two different kinds of love.
- Anonymous
And no one can ever have too much love, my sweet boy!!
I cannot imagine you any older than you are right now and I want to hold on tight to our time together at this very moment. But I cannot wait to see what the future has in store for you. You are so bright and funny; there are so many things that you can do and be. I will be there to help you, cheer you on, and let you go your own path when it's time. But remember, you will always be my little boy and I'll always be here with my arms spread wide for you to run to.
I love you, forever and ever and always.
Love,
Mommy
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